9 years, 11 months, and 30 days. Life – in all of its glory and challenges – is to be lived joyfully and exuberantly!

My most dearest Shosh and Jaialai:

These are tough times for our little family, but it too shall pass. Until then, we soldier on because that is what it means to live. No one promised any of us an easy life free of challenges, pain, and suffering. To think so would not only be foolish but ill-advised.

A recent study has shown the benefit — and necessity — of everyday stress and it being the key to a healthy old age. Allow me to quote the article in toto as the author expressed it far better than I. Read on below.

Until we meet, please hang in there. We are fighting tooth and nail to expose those who persecute us under color of authority and achieve justice for our family. Leave the fighting to us. You do you and become the best young adults possible. Read voraciously. Study hard. Be kind. Find joy wherever you may be.

All my love, always and forever,

Dad

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Why everyday stress could be the key to a healthy old age

Research indicates that low-level stress from moderate exercise or work can enhance our cognitive and physical abilities in later life

David Cox

Sun 1 Jan 2023 12.00 GMT

Few words in the English language conjure up more negative emotions than stress. The mere mention of those six letters might elicit mental images of looming work deadlines, unpaid bills, the pressure of exams or tense family Christmases, to list just a few scenarios.

But what if I told you that stress can also be positive? That just as it can harm us, it also plays a key role in strengthening our immune system, forging connections in our brain that improve mental performance and building the resilience we need to navigate our way through the vagaries of life.

This first came to light through the work of an American psychiatrist called Firdaus Dhabhar, then a researcher at the Rockefeller University, New York, who was studying the connection between short-term stress and the immune system as part of the fight-or-flight response. In the mid-1990s, stress was viewed as almost unanimously bad for us, but to Dhabhar this was illogical. From a Darwinian perspective, the survival instincts of our animal ancestors would have been honed through repeated brushes with danger.

“It does not make sense that stress should always be a bad, harmful, negative entity,” he says. “The fight-or-flight stress response is essential for survival. A gazelle needs this response to escape the jaws and claws of a lion, just as a lion needs it to catch its meal. Mother Nature gave us this response to help us survive and thrive, not to kill us.”

Over the past 20 years, Dhabhar and others have shown that bouts of short-term stress can aid us in the modern world. A Ted Talk by Dhabhar, now a professor at the University of Miami, on the positive effects of stress has garnered 30,000 views on YouTube.

For example, the tension of an upcoming race helps prime the cardiovascular and musculoskeletal systems of athletes for optimum performance, while surveys have even found that the stress of needing to get work done alongside childcare means that parents are likely to be more productive home workers than singletons.

Both mild-to-moderate physical and mental stress stimulate the production of chemicals in the blood called interleukins, activating the immune system and making it more able to fight off infections, while stress can even affect the development of children before they are born. Babies born to mothers who experienced mild everyday stress during pregnancy had more advanced developmental skills by the age of two, compared with the children of mothers who had enjoyed a relatively relaxed, unstressful pregnancy.

There are also various ways to think about stress. As well as the pressure and tension inflicted by life events, different forms of exercise can be viewed as stress for the muscles, while various types of cognitive challenges can be considered as stress for the mind.

Use it or lose it

In January 2017, the French cyclist Robert Marchand made headlines by setting a new age group world record at a velodrome in Saint-Quentin-en-Yvelines. What was particularly remarkable about Marchand’s performance is that he had turned 105 a month earlier and his efforts made him the first centenarian ever to demonstrate improved cardiovascular health with age.

Exercise physiologists found that Marchand, who had begun serious competitive cycling in retirement at the age of 68, had an aerobic capacity for exercise – the gold standard means of measuring cardiovascular fitness – comparable to men aged 42 to 61, half a century younger than him.

Scientists researching healthy ageing now regard him as an indicator of what can be possible if we continue to apply manageable stress to our muscles, blood vessels and heart as we age. But most humans are not like Marchand. Many of us become progressively inactive as the years tick by, which exacerbates any age-related changes already taking place. As a result, if our muscles are not being stressed, their fibres slowly atrophy and we grow progressively weaker. The interaction between the nervous system and the muscles also becomes less efficient without regular use, slowing our reaction times and making us more vulnerable to falls.

Resistance exercise can help to preserve muscle mass.
Resistance exercise can help to preserve muscle mass. Photograph: Rocketclips, Inc/Alamy

“A muscle which is not activated really rapidly deteriorates in so many ways,” says Casper Søndenbroe, a scientist at Copenhagen University who studies the human neuromuscular system. “Muscles need to have this stimulus in order to maintain equilibrium. If you don’t have a strategy going into the latter parts of your life, when you reach 70 or 80 you’re likely to have some limitations with daily living because the functionality isn’t there.”

To illustrate this, Andy Philp, who heads the biology of ageing programme at the Centenary Institute in Sydney, explains that if an adult male spends five to seven days lying inactive in a hospital bed, they will lose about half a kilogram of muscle mass. But the difference between a 30-year-old and an 80-year-old is that the younger person’s body can recover and regenerate the lost muscle much more quickly.

A range of people between 100 and 118 showed similar cognitive abilities compared with the average 50- to 60-year-old

Søndenbroe has found that some forms of exercise-related stress are better than others for preserving muscle mass in later life. While some age-related deterioration is inevitable, as Marchand showed, it can be kept in check. One of the best ways of doing so is through resistance-based workouts, which involve training the muscles with weights or bands. Cycling is also considered a form of resistance training. “We’ve proved many times that this increases muscle size and muscle strength, so it is really effective,” says Søndenbroe.

Studies have also shown that people who remain active through sports or moderate exercise during middle age and later life are also less vulnerable to muscle decline.

Because of this, Søndenbroe is keen to urge people to do whatever kind of exercise they enjoy most. “The most important thing is that the best exercise is the one you actually get done,” he says. “So if you don’t like running high-intensity intervals, you shouldn’t do that. Find something that you enjoy.”

Cognitive reserve

Exercise does not stress the muscles alone: it is also a workout for the central nervous system, and even the mind.

There is a two-way interaction between the muscles and nerves that extend out of the spinal cord. When they contract, muscles send signals back towards the motor neurons, long, spindly cells that control motion, keeping them active and functioning efficiently. The increased blood flow aids with the removal of tau proteins – associated with Alzheimer’s disease – from the brain and cerebrospinal fluid, as well as stimulating neurons to produce a chemical called brain-derived neurotrophic factor, which protects neighbouring brain cells.

We know that our brain size decreases at a rate of about 5% a decade after the age of 40, with the rate of decline increasing once we pass 70. However, this shrinkage slows in older people who do regular aerobic exercise – forms of physical activity that get the blood pumping around the body, such as brisk walking, running, swimming and biking – to the extent that they have four fewer years of brain ageing.

Older man playing the piano
Studies show that people in their 80s who take up playing the piano can slow cognitive decline. Photograph: Erickson Stock/Alamy

Just as Marchand demonstrated that physical decline and frailty do not always have to come with age, studies of centenarians and supercentenarians – those who live past 110 – have illustrated that age-related cognitive decline is not always inevitable. Joyce Shaffer, a psychiatrist and behavioural scientist at the University of Washington, in Seattle, says a range of case studies between 100 and 118 demonstrated similar or even superior cognitive abilities compared with the average 50- to 60-year-old.

Other investigations have revealed the importance of incorporating a significant amount of mental stimulation into your daily routine, for as long as possible. For example, people who work a normal working week throughout their 50s and 60s are thought to be more resilient to cognitive decline than those who retire early. While challenging yourself by continuing to work or volunteer part-time, or attempting to learn a new skill in your eighth and ninth decades, may sound unnecessarily stressful, this kind of activity can keep your brain young.

“We’ve seen that people who started to take piano lessons in their 80s saw an improvement in brain function,” says Shaffer. “Staying on the job, or at least socially engaged in an activity, has a very good impact on maintaining function. There was a project in Baltimore where retired people went back into schools to tutor deprived students from low-income backgrounds who didn’t have much and they actually experienced improvements in cognition from doing that.”

One of the reasons for this is thought to be that short-term, brief stressful events stimulate stem cells in the brain to proliferate into new nerve cells, resulting in an improved mental performance.

We’ve evolved to be active and respond to different stimuli and if that’s taken away it accelerates negative processes

Andy Philp, Centenary Institute, Sydney

Given the spiralling rates of dementia predicted over the coming decades, interest in the connection between positive stress and health in later life is only going to grow. Teams of scientists around the world have plans to try to harness the beneficial properties of moderate stress across the realm of medicine, for example in enhancing healing and recovery after surgery. Researchers have shown that this can boost the safety and effectiveness of vaccines, while earlier this year a clinical trial conducted by Guy’s & St Thomas’ Charity found that exercise can help improve the efficacy of chemotherapy as well as negating some of the damaging impact it can have on the body.

But of course there is a fine line between too little and too much stress. The constant low-grade inflammation that results from chronic stress has been connected to obesity, heart disease, diabetes, depression, asthma and Alzheimer’s, among other things.

Philp describes moderate stress as being more like a pulse, where various molecular pathways and tissues in the body get stimulated, before returning to normal. “With chronic stress, these pathways get activated and then stay activated for a long time,” he says. “We see this in obesity and diabetes. The inflammatory response can’t be as agile and flexible as it normally would.”

But regular pulses of mild to moderate stress are thought to be crucial for the body to keep functioning healthily. “If you think about it, all our systems are in a resting state, and then a little bit of stress – changing the blood flow to the brain or contracting the muscles – will turn on different molecular pathways to deal with that,” says Philp. “We’ve evolved to be active and responding to different stimuli, and if that’s taken away, it accelerates negative processes.”

These realisations have meant that understanding the benefits of various types of stress – from exercise to having a continuing purpose in life – have become more and more important in the context of healthy ageing.

9 years, 7 months, and 22 days. Plan for the future and act now.

My most precious Shosh and Jaialai:

These are dark days indeed. I understand with greater clarity in recent days the adage about a fool having himself as a client.

As I struggle from the immense weight of the loss of everything I hold most dear in life, I also reconsidered my failures which contributed to this lost decade of ours. For years, I woke up early every morning, struggled to relive the nightmare of the injustice that befell us in order to tell our story in hope of finding a champion who would fight our cause, and suffered daily when no one did. I thought my failing was my rather clinical approach to the story … the laying out of facts and evidence of the great injustice which has been perpetrated against us by criminals posing as Guardians of our Justice System. I continually tweaked my approach, thinking that, like my whistleblower battle against a corrupt giant, someday someone would see the injustice and step forward to help us.

In recent days, I saw my approach this past decade has been flawed in two fundamental ways. First, I focused on the wrong evil, a system failure of an order of magnitude equal to social conditions that gave rise to the murder of George Floyd and about which experts and academicians had researched and written for decades. As several would-be champions had once told me, the problem is too big for them to tackle. I finally listened. My sight has been reshifted to the right target. May my aim be true.

Second, unlike my battle against the corrupt corporate giant where I lead from the forefront for years before a true champion stepped forth to help me succeed in a battle for which I ended up sacrificing my career and marriage, here, I tried to play it safe by asking a champion to step onto the battlefield while I rest on the sidelines. While my hesitancy is understandable given that I had just barely started to recover from the death of my legal career and marriage and we had barely started to rebuild a life for ourselves and our mini-family, it was simply wrong of me to ask of other what I would not do for myself: put my life, my heart, and my soul back on the line to fight for you, my children, my family, and my world. For this failure, I am sorry. I prolonged your sufferings needlessly. I see that now. Fault lies with me.

I may not succeed in my endeavor — if I had done it then or even in this attempt now — but as often repeated in my letters to you, at least a measure of victory belongs to the man in the arena for having had the courage to dare greatly and not live a life of timidity and fear.

I am now that man in the arena. May God watch over us and protect us in this endeavor against the scourges of evil which prey on and utterly destroy those who are poor or are marginalized by society because of their faith, the color of their skin, their nationality, their gender, and other physical traits over which they have no control. Darker days lie ahead.

For now, I plan. For failing to plan is planning to fail.

This letter is to remind you to do likewise for your own lives and future. As you embark on a new school year, think carefully about what classes and electives you want to take and why. Think about what skills would be most beneficial to you and the society in the years ahead, then think about how you’d go about gaining those skills. They include soft skills like self-motivation and self-direction, grit, critical thinking, time management, communications, writing, public speaking, customer service, collaboration, etc. See, e.g., https://www.cnbc.com/2022/07/13/in-demand-soft-skills-to-put-in-your-resume.html. (FYI, healthcare will remain a strong field in the years ahead.)

As you select your classes and electives, think also about how you can extend yourselves and expand your horizons. As Yeats said, “Education is not about the filing of pails, but the lighting of fires.” Consider taking classes which would light your fire. Explore! Take acting, singing, karate, fencing, and other fun classes I once took. They not only expanded my circles but also took my life in directions I had not anticipated, e.g., auditioning for and acting in musicals in graduate school and in law school. Have fun! This is your time of self-discovery! Find out what you like and don’t like. For example, if you really want to become a physician, take biology and chemistry and volunteer at a hospital or clinic. Too many, for example, pursue a career in accounting without truly appreciating what their lives would look like as an accountant. Challenge yourself! Life is too short — and too long — to live in misery.

Be mindful that life and fate have their own ideas about how you will live your lives. Control is illusory. One but has to look at my life to see this. Having worked for the U.S. Congress and spent decades in law and helping government agencies, I would never have imagined in a million years that I would have lost everything because of corrupt and evil officials and having to fight for my family and my life.

Do the best you can to plan for and live out for future, but don’t be a rigid in your approach. You’re not going to die and have your future completely ruined because you missed that one class to help someone in need. Do your best to live right by you and by your fellow human beings. We’re all in it together.

All my love, always and forever,

Dad

9 years and 7 months. Read voraciously and learn from the wisdom of others. Here is Guy Kawasaki’s Top 10 Wisdoms.

My most dearest Shosh and Jaialai:

Hope reentered my life last night. She had been sorely missed, and I am cautiously optimistic that her return shall not be ephemeral. All I can do is pray and put forth my best efforts.

Without further ado, I give you Guy’s Top 10:

  1. Get high and to the right. The key to career success is to acquire unique skills that are valuable. Unique skills that aren’t valuable don’t matter. Valuable skills that aren’t unique don’t set you apart. Life is good when you are unique and valuable, so be the best at something that’s in demand.
  2. Adopt a growth mind-set. Learning is a process, not an event. It doesn’t end when you complete your formal education. If you’ve “got it made,” risk your self-image and pride by trying something you’re not good at. No matter how much you know, you can still learn more. The more you learn, the more you learn (and earn).
  3. Embrace grit. The flip side of adopting a growth mind-set is embracing hard work and determination — in other words, grit. Achieving success is hard work. Great ideas are easy, but implementation is hard. Intelligence and talent without grit is inconsequential.
  4. Smile. The more you smile and laugh, the more you will smile and laugh. The more you smile and laugh, the easier life gets. You can never go wrong being nice, and there’s no such thing as being too nice.
  5. Default to yes. Assume that people are good and default to helping them. The upside of defaulting to yes far exceeds the downside of being used. This doesn’t mean you’ll never say no, but say no after you’ve collected information, not because no is your default.
  6. Raise the tide. You don’t need algebra, calculus, and geometry to succeed. You only need to understand that life is not a zero-sum game. Your loss is not someone else’s gain. Someone else’s loss is not your gain. A rising tide lifts all boat, so do what you can to fill the ocean, lake, pond, pool, or bathtub.
  7. Pay it forward. There is a karmic scoreboard in the sky. The net balance of this scoreboard determines your fate. Do good things, help people out, and make the world a better place. These actions are an investment in your future. Even if I’m wrong, why take a chance on something as important as fate?
  8. Examine everything. Life isn’t all unicorns and pixie dusts. Examine everything and do not go through life on a level 5 completely autonomous driving, to use a car analogy. Unexamined driving can kill you — so can unexamined living. But don’t get me wrong: I’m recommending skepticism, not negativity.
  9. Never lie, seldom shade. This is the pragmatist’s guide to honesty. Lying takes too much time and energy, because you have to keep track of how you lied. Instead, always tell the truth, and seldom shade the truth. The truth will set you free.
  10. Enable people to pay you back. With the recommendation to default to yes and pay it forward, why enable people to pay you back? The answer is that you honor people by enabling them to pay you back. It relieves them of feeling indebted, and their ability to reciprocate fosters their sense of self-worth.

Now go forth and dance to your own music. This isn’t a carte blanche, but two indisputable facts are that life is short and you can’t make everyone happy.

Guy Kawasaki, Wise Guy: Lessons from a Life, Portfolio (February 26, 2019), postpartum section.

Go forth and live life as it is meant to be lived — with zest, joy, and wonderment; and in the service of others. Misery has reigned over our lives long enough because of the malignant evil of others. Everyday is a gift. Live as if you have nothing to lose, but plan as if you’ll be here for the long haul.

All my love, always and forever!

Dad

9 years, 2 months, and 12 days. Self-discipline is tough love and a necessary ingredient to success.

My most dearest Shosh and Jaialai:

Winners do: losers whine. Winners do, even when it gets difficult, and that makes all the difference in the world. If success were easy, everyone would be successful. Remember, luck is 95% sweat.

Self-discipline is the key ingredient for those willing to work through sweat, blood, and tears to achieve their goals instead of blaming others for their failures or crying about it. Self-discipline is a necessary ingredient.

Get some. Cultivate it.

During all those years when I woke up at 2:30 – 3:00 A.M. to start my work day, it wasn’t for the love the waking up early. I did what was needed to get the job done. I hated getting up early and crawling out of the comfortable and warm bed to sit in front of a computer in a cold room during the predawn hours when sleep was still in my eyes, but hate/love wasn’t part of the equation. Work needed to get done and if I didn’t get up early to do it, it wouldn’t have gotten done. This discipline, for example, enabled me to resolve and achieve in a matter of months what teams of lawyers and others had been unable to resolve and achieve in the years preceding my arrival. I did not say that to brag: it is a mere factual description of events that you were too young to know and understand.

But don’t just take my word for it. Others much wiser than I have made the point better and more eloquently. For example, in his book, “Who Will Cry When You Die?” Robin Sharma (the author of “The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari”) wrote:

I call the habit of self-discipline “Tough Love” because getting tough with yourself is actually a very loving gesture. By being stricter with yourself, you will begin to live life more deliberately, on your own terms rather than simply reacting to life the way a leaf floating in a stream drifts according to the flow of the current on a particular day. As I teach in one of my seminars, the tougher you are on yourself, the easier life will be on you. The quality of your life ultimately is shaped by the quality of your choices and decisions, ones that range from the career you choose to pursue to the books you read, the time that you wake up every morning and the thoughts you think during the hours of your days, when you consistently flex your willpower by making those choices that you know are the right ones (rather than the easy ones), you take back control of your life. Effective, fulfilled people do not spend their time doing what is most convenient and comfortable. They have the courage to listen to their hearts and to do the wise thing. This habit is what makes them great.

“The successful person has the habit of doing the things failures don’t like to do,” remarked essayist and thinker E.M. Gray. “They don’t like doing them either, necessarily. But their disliking is subordinated to the strength of their purpose.” The nineteenth-century English writer Thomas Henry Huxley arrived at a similar conclusion, noting: “Perhaps the most valuable result of all education is the ability to make yourself do the thing you have to do, when it ought to be done, whether you like it or not.” And Aristotle made this point of wisdom in yet another way: “Whatever we learn to do, we learn by actually doing it: men come to be builders, for instance, by building, and harp players, by playing the harp. In the same way, by doing just acts we come to be just; by doing self-controlled acts, we come to be self-controlled; and by doing brave acts, we come to be brave.”

Robin Sharma, “Who Will Cry When You Die?”  HarperCollins Publishers (April 19, 1999).

I cannot say it better than Aristotle, Huxley, or Gray.

Be self-disciplined, my sons. That way lies success.

All my love, always and forever,

Dad

9 years, 2 months, and 11 days. Perspective and audience: two critical factors in any analysis.

‘Egregious level’: Journalists are being called out for bias reporting on Ukraine

Media coverage of the war in Ukraine has largely been praised. Some journalists see this as an opportunity to reevaluate how wars and conflicts are covered when the victims are not mainly White or directly related to Western interests.

https://edition.cnn.com/videos/business/2022/03/18/ukraine-war-media-coverage-bias-mc-orig.cnn-business

My most dearest Shosh and Jaialai:

These are dark days for everyone. We have barely survived a pandemic that has taken more than 6 million lives worldwide and nearly 1 million lives in the U.S. when war in Ukraine caused the displacement of 10 million Ukrainians, with 3.5 million seeking refugee protection outside of their country. Inflation is on the rise while economies and personal finances for most have yet to stabilize. People are sad and worried. Many of us have experienced war, insecurity, hunger, and/or fear at various points in our lives, and images out of Ukraine remind us of the fragility of our lives.

It is important for you to be more kind than necessary at this time. Be patient with others. You don’t know the burden they must bear. Listen. Try not to judge or project your own fears and biases onto others. Just listen and reserve judgment. Acknowledge each other and empathize.

Too often we fail as individuals because we cannot get away from ourselves and get outside of our perspectives. We see the world through our senses, our biases, and our insecurities, and we assume everyone sees the world the same way. The silliness of that assumption is clear on its face, yet too often our default position is our viewpoint instead of trying to understand the viewpoint of another, the audience. Be better.

It’s not easy, but nothing worthy is. Practice listening and asking questions to flesh out the perspective of the other, your audience. Listen. Really listen. Listen to understand, not to argue.

As you strive to understand the worldview of another, be mindful also of his/her biases, insecurities, etc. You need not judge the person, but you must be mindful of the flaws in order to more accurately assess the strengths and weaknesses of the information that flows forth from the other.

Remember, when starting out, Warren Buffett had access to the same data as everyone else: he was only better at teasing out the patterns and at using the data to animate his decisions. Be like Warren Buffett. (Note also how he still lives in the house he purchased decades ago and still drives his old car instead of being flashy with his billions. He’s a good role model in many ways. Be like Warren Buffett.)

All my love, always and forever,

Dad

P.S., my energy wanes as the vagaries of life and the injustice that has befallen our family take its toll. But know that my love for you never wavers. I love you with all my heart and hope and pray that one day, we will reunite.

9 years, and 2 months. Garbage in, garbage out. Go slow to go fast.

My most dearest Shosh and Jaialai:

Business is the new cool. Everyone boasts of being busy (therefore, important) that they have no time for anything — exercise, socialize, prioritize, etc. But studies show, for example, most people waste hours each day checking social media, watching television, etc. People lie. They lie to others and — worse — to themselves.

Likewise, when asked about their decision-making processes, people often give the same tired-response: they make decisions based on the best data available. They are full of shit. Everyone claims to be data-driven; however, relatively few truly are because it takes effort to find, gather, and vet good data.

One example is illustrative of our lip service to being data-driven, and failure to follow through.

Following the 101 California Street shooting in 1993 (eight persons were killed and six injured by an assailant with no known motive) and the siege at Waco earlier that same year (where more than eighty members of the Branch Davidian religious group were killed), Congress passed the Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act. That legislation, among other provisions, requires the attorney general to collect data on the use of excessive force by the police and to publish an annual report on those statistics. But to this moment no accounting for the nation’s seventeen thousand police departments exists. [Footnote omitted.] After over two decades, no data? What’s going on here? The stunning truth is that this law does not require any police agency anywhere in America to keep a record of any kind, much less provide information to the federal government. Moreover, Congress has consistently failed to fund it. As a consequence the Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act was born dead. The New York Times reported: “For all the careful accounting,… there are two figures Americans don’t have: the precise number of people killed by the police, and the number of times police use excessive force. In fact, to no one’s surprise, there are practically no statistics out there at all on the numbers the cops have killed.(my emphasis). [Footnote omitted.] That was in 2001. Today we are left still recognizing the shocking truth: There is no national database of police-involved killings.

Gerry Spence, Police State: How America’s Cops Get Away with Murder, St. Martin’s Press, 2015 (emphasis added)

In fact, the best available data on police extra-judicial killings are kept by an ex-cop, ex-lawyer, and current criminologist at Bowling Green State University. https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/an-ex-cop-keeps-the-countrys-best-data-set-on-police-misconduct/. To build and maintain his database, he relies on Google Alerts of police shootings as reported by the media. Thus, his database is far from perfect. However, it is the best data available.

These examples illustrate two things. First, we lie when we say that, as a society, we are data-driven. That is far from the truth. If memory serves me, I recall reading once that despite one person being sexually assaulted in the U.S. every 68 seconds and college age women are among the highest risk for rape, https://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence, colleges and universities are forbidden from keeping data on incidents of rape on campus. As a society, we are more often like ostriches with our heads in the sand than wise owls searching for truth. Second, it takes much effort to find, gather, and vet good data. Even then, the body of data gathered may be far from perfect; however, it may still be the best data available at this time.

The importance of using the best data available at the time of decision-making cannot be overstated. Garbage in, garbage out. You cannot produce good analyses based on bad data. Junk begets junk.

Unfortunately, too often, fools rush to judgment without even bothering to examine the data at all. Sometimes, experts rely on the most recently available data to make judgment and are mocked by the less-learned. We saw that this past year when public health experts and scientists updated their recommendations based on the most recent data available and less learned members of the public mock the experts for “changing their minds” without understanding that updated recommendations for courses of actions necessarily must follow updated data. Of course, the laymen may simply be lying to themselves and others for no other reason than they don’t want to be inconvenienced by masks — even though masks HELP SAVE THE LIVES OF THE MOST VULNERABLE IN THE COMMUNITY: THE ELDERLY, THE INFIRMED, THE YOUNG, ETC.

(I can never get over the shock of nearly 1 million Americans dead from COVID-19. Americans made much hay about the death of 3,000 from 9/11, but cruelly mock and attack those who made efforts to protect our communities from the ravages of this deadly disease.)

I want you boys to be mindful of the data based upon which you make decisions. This applies to all aspects of your life. Shosh, you are now in college and must decide on which major to pursue or which graduate schools to apply. Do the research. Ask the right questions. Don’t simply follow others or rush to judgment without bothering to look at relevant data. Jaialai, the same for you. Start researching colleges, scholarships, etc., and start getting ready for the application process. Doing the leg work up front may save significant heartaches and pain later on. For example, I know of numerous kids who wasted years of their lives pursuing degrees they don’t want at colleges which did not serve them well.

There are no do-overs in life. Time and opportunities, once passed, can never be regained.

Take time to do right.

All my love, always and forever,

Dad

8 years, 10 months, and 27 days. Interdependence.

Choose to be interdependent with another INDEPENDENT individual, NOT A DEPENDENT ONE.

My most dearest Shosh and Jaialai:

Interdependence is a great word that has fallen into disfavor in recent times. These days, too often, we are bombarded with words like “influencer”, “individual rights”, and “personal freedom” without giving thought to how we best function as a family, community, society, and country — the family being the smallest unit of society and how the family goes, so too goes society. For example, if family members aren’t taught to support one another, then those individuals will not know to support others when they enter society as adults. Society weakens when each member looks out only for him/herself and not think about the common good of the society as a whole. In the context of shared societal resources, this is often discussed as the tragedy of the commons. See, e.g., https://www.dummies.com/article/academics-the-arts/science/environmental-science/ten-real-life-examples-of-the-tragedy-of-the-commons-170489.

Growing up, I recall often hearing about how relationships are at the best when they are based on interdependence: two independent individuals choosing to be together or work together. Each individual is strong and secure in him/herself and didn’t “need” the other to find fulfillment or be complete. Theirs is a relationship built on mutual respect.

Imagine the opposite, where one or both individuals are needy and dependent on the other. Each is clingy and makes constant demands on the other to provide attention, happiness, engagement, etc., for him/herself. Such relationship smothers the other individual, disallowing him/her to explore and grow for fear that it would threaten or alienate the clingy one. Worse, recall how we humans are bottomless blackholes when it comes to ever being satisfied. Our brains are hardwired to adapt, thus the novel soon becomes the mundane and more or newer is required to achieve the same level of satisfaction or euphoria. Now imagine the bottomless pit of the clingy person who is wholly or partially dependent on you for self-fulfillment and/or happiness. He or she will suck you dry … and likely will move on once he/she depletes you of your essence … or wealth or whatever it is he/she needed from you. He or she will hold you back for fear that you will grow beyond him or her, and your friendship or relationship would end. Beware of such individuals and relationships. Those individuals are rarely about you, only themselves and often at your expense.

Choose quality individuals as friends and significant others. Take time to find interesting and independent individuals who are secure in themselves and their skills, who are not easily swayed by talking heads and one-dimensional influencers who carefully curate what they reveal and who rarely, if ever, let down their guards and reveal their true selves. Such individuals may be polished or diamonds in the rough, but they are worth their weights in gold.

I cannot overstate the benefits of being surrounded by good people who inspire you to be your better selves, who encourage you to avoid your baser instincts, and who help you see beauty in the world instead of constantly focusing on its most ugly aspects. They will extend your horizons and, together, you will grow as individuals.

Remember the adage: you will be stained when in close proximity to ink and enlightened when basking in light. Good and enlightened people will help you achieve enlightenment while the wicked and foul will encourage you towards evil and ill-served tendencies. Stay away from bad and frivolous influences. Focus your energies on becoming your best selves and helping others do likewise.

Learn to be independent, my sons, and choose to be interdependent with others. As a practical matter, this means learning to be self-sufficient to the extent possible. For example, learn to cook for yourselves, to hem your own pants, to drive manual cars and motorcycles, and to be your own best company. When you are comfortable with yourself, you can give yourself to others (e.g., those you help) more freely and without being burdened by the neediness of what they can do for you. Surround yourself with those similarly inclined.

Be well, my sons. Stay safe and healthy as omnicron takes hold and the world contracts once again. Follow public health protocols and live to fight another day.

All my love, always and forever,

Dad

8 years, 9 months, and 23 days. Be principled and courageous in your thoughts and actions. Winners do; losers whine. Worse, winners build while losers destroy.

My most dearest Shosh and Jaialai:

These are dark days made worse by man’s selfishness and cruelty. Societies have historically come together during difficult times to help each other, yet during this time of pandemic when more than 5 million people have died globally and nearly 750,000 people have died in the U.S. alone, we still cruelly spout misinformation about vaccines and public health protocols, and many still refuse the simple act of vaccination for the protection of America’s most vulnerable — our young children, our elderlies, and our infirmed.

We pay lip service daily to Christian values — from the “In God We Trust” on our dollar bills to the use of the Bible for swearing in ceremonies — yet we cannot live the Two Commandments given to us by Jesus: Love God and Love Your Neighbors. We demand control over our bodies when resisting the COVID-19 vaccines and mask mandates (conveniently forgetting that mandated vaccination has been part of our childhood and schooling for decades) yet force our will upon others when they seek to abort fetuses to protect the mother’s health, in cases of incest or rape, etc.

We are an unprincipled lot. We are a lot of contrarians, happily fighting against the ideas and positions of others but refusing to live according to our own principles.

Don’t be like that. Live by your principles. Be principled in your thoughts and actions.

If you cannot articulate a principle for your action, then don’t do it. Don’t be a mindless sheep that follows the herd for lack of self-discipline and self-awareness.

Have the courage to act on your principles … even when you are the only one. I did when I stood alone against a multi-billion dollar organization that had defrauded consumers for years and years. Many knew. Despite their frequent complaints about the illegality of it all, none chose to act besides me.

Winners do. Losers whine.

Worse, winners build while losers destroy. From my years working on Capitol Hill, I know that it is extremely difficult to get legislation passed, but extremely easy to introduce poison pills to destroy bills. The same is true in life. Those courageous and relatively few work hard to build while the many often set out to destroy what they could not build. The latter includes the ankle biters we encounter daily in life — those who prefer to pull us down to their levels simply because they cannot rise to ours for want to effort and grit.

Be not like them, my sons. Always help if you can, but never do harm if you cannot help. Work hard to build a better future for yourselves and your community. We don’t live in a vacuum. The garbage and bad forms that once played gleefully to the crowd watching the Jerry Springer Show have now firmly entrenched themselves into the everyday lives of too many Americans. Sex tapes? Normal. No longer even shocking. Drunken tirades — or worse, sober tirades — and acts of gratuitous violence and cruelty are now almost common fodder for many social media and news media outlets. The garbage and poison that we have once dumped on distant shores have contributed to the environmental degradation that now affects our air, our water, our communities.

Be principled in your acts and thoughts. You know better. You are raised better. We are not animals that give in to every whim and defecate and fornicate anywhere the mood strikes. We don’t steal from the poor and vulnerable just because we can. We live by a higher code of conducts. We live by our principles.

Society can only progress if it remains true to its principles and not devolve into an animalistic free-for-all where those with the means and abilities take advantage of everyone else for the former’s short term gains. In the long term, shitting on the poor and vulnerable will only weaken society and hasten its demise. Likewise, in the long term, eschewing vaccines and endangering the vulnerable will only create additional hosts for the COVID-19 virus to mutate and grow more virulent to the detriment of everyone.

Stay true to your principles, even if others don’t. Remember, you are the boss of you and of no one else.

All my love, always and forever,

Dad

8 years, 9 months, and 17 days. In real estate, it’s location, location, location. In human interactions, it’s audience, audience, audience. It’s not about you; it’s about the person or people you are interacting with.

How to Deal with Mean People

Hint: Don’t just turn the other cheek.

BY CHRISTINE CARTER | APRIL 15, 2013

You, with your switching sides,

And your walk by lies and your humiliation

You, have pointed out my flaws again,

As if I don’t already see them.

I walk with my head down,

Trying to block you out cause I’ll never impress you….   —Taylor Swift, “Mean”

“Why you gotta be so meeaann?” Taylor Swift croons in my car, accompanied rather loudly by five kids who are singing their hearts out. The song resonates with me, too, so much so that I find myself madly rummaging through my purse for my sunglasses, not wanting the carpool to see me choked up.

(Honestly, I’m not sure why I cry when I hear that song. I think I’m moved because it tells of a kid succeeding despite difficulty. If you haven’t heard it, listen here. I particularly like the end of this version.)

Anyway, one of the girls in my car (let’s call her Sally) has just revealed that she was once again the butt of a mean comment in PE. Everyone in the car feels her pain; unfortunately we’ve all been there.

Most of us use avoidance as our chief strategy for dealing with unkindness, steering clear of the mean person at all costs. But this strategy is neither practical nor effective, as it is often impossible to avoid a person completely and usually leaves us cowering in fear.

Fortunately, there is a better approach. From research on social and emotional well-being, here’s what I’ve learned about how to cope when someone gets nasty.

First, remember that you can control your response when someone does or says something mean. We may not be able to control much about our life circumstances, but with practice we can control how we respond to those circumstances.

I once got a horrible voicemail from a neighbor. In it, she called me a fraud and my blog a joke, and told me to stay away from her children. Though she seemed high-functioning to the outside world, she seemed pretty unstable to me.

My instinct was to fight back—to expose her craziness to the world, to tell everyone how insanely mean she was.

Sally had the opposite instinct around the girl who teased her in PE. She let this particular mean girl boss her around, hoping against hope that she would eventually relent.

Neither of these responses—attacking back or becoming a spineless doormat—are constructive ways to cope. The most effective response to meanness is compassion. Where there is meanness, there is often a lot of pain, both in the unkind person and for the person on the receiving end of a mean joke, comment, or email.

Take care of your own pain first. When I got the crazy-neighbor voicemail, I was shocked, and hurt (I cared what she thought of me), and, frankly, scared. Researcher Brene Brown, in her fantastic book Daring Greatly, advocates a response to a situation like this that I’ve been using instinctively since I was a kid: Before you attack back, let yourself feel what is going on. You can simply repeat to yourself, “Pain, pain, pain,” and breathe. Sometimes I have to say it out loud.

The key is not to deny what we are feeling, but rather to accept it. Take a moment to be mindful and narrate your emotions: This embarrassment is excruciating. I am so frightened right now. Hang in there with unpleasant feelings at least long enough to acknowledge them.

Often we don’t want to admit we are hurt by another person’s meanness; we want to let it go without letting it get to us. If you can do this, more power to you. But if you can’t, that’s okay, too. You will survive the discomfort of your hurt feelings. It is perfectly normal to feel bad when someone wounds you.

Once you practice this sort of self-compassion, take the next step: See mean people for what they really are—wounded and tiny and probably threatened. Frightened mice masquerading as roaring lions. When I suggested to Sally that her unkind classmate was probably insecure or threatened by her, Sally insisted that just the opposite was true. “She’s the most confident person I know!” The other kids in the car agreed.

But then I had them recall the last time each of them was a little mean to a classmate or sibling. How did you feel right before you did it? The unanimous answer: They felt small, or frustrated, or humiliated, so they did something that might make them feel big or important or powerful. We began to imagine what might have made Sally’s mean-girl feel threatened or small, and the kids came up with a dozen possibilities.

Finally, fight fire with water by sending loving thoughts to the people who hurt you. This is an advanced technique, but I can almost promise that it will make you feel better. I use a traditional loving-kindness meditation, and say things like “May you be happy. May you be healthy and strong. May you be free from suffering” while imagining the person who tried to hurt me.

When we send well-wishes to the hurting people who want us to share their pain, we are able to rise above their suffering. We regain our true power.

After all, it is only when mean people actually are happy and free from suffering that they will stop trying to take us down with them.

© 2013 Christine Carter, Ph.D.

Christine Carter, Ph.D. is a Senior Fellow at the Greater Good Science Center. She is the author of The New Adolescence: Raising Happy and Successful Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distraction (BenBella, 2020), The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less (Ballantine Books, 2015), and Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents (Random House, 2010). A former director of the GGSC, she served for many years as author of its parenting blog, Raising Happiness. Find out more about Christine here.

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_deal_with_mean_people

“Do You Know What Someone With No Money Has In Common With Someone With Too Much Money? Living Is No Fun For Them…. [N]o matter what you buy, eat, or drink, everything gets boring in the end.” – Il-Nam

https://screenrant.com/squid-game-netflix-best-quotes/

https://screenrant.com/squid-game-netflix-best-quotes/

My most dearest Shosh and Jaialai:

While watching this episode of “Squid Game” with Ms. L, I commented that people are selfish to their detriment. We are bottomless Black Holes which can never be filled no matter how much we try. The reason is simple: our brains are hardwired to adapt. What is new and novel grows tiresome and weary in time. That brand new cell phone you had wanted forever becomes just another gadget in a matter of weeks and months. In the quote above from “Squid Game”, imagine the joy the billionaire could bring to countless others if he took his time to find and help those in need instead of engorging himself on Kobe beef and fine wine.

We don’t learn. Too many of us are so self-absorbed and so empty on the inside that we constantly hunger to be filled by something or someone external … and are always left wanting.

Be different. Be better. Be happier. Learn to be your own best company and find fulfillment in yourself so that when with others, you can rightfully focus your attention on them and their needs. Happiness will ensue.

People often complain, for example, of being tongue-tied when they meet someone attractive or someone they have long admired. They become so because they wrongly focused their attention on themselves and how they are feeling at the moment. Their attention should have been focused on their intended audience. Who knows what the other person is thinking or how she is feeling. Who knows if she is also steeling herself for yet another disappointment. Thus, it’s best to find common grounds to connect with her first. You can ask about how she is faring during this pandemic, the cool wrist band she is wearing, or other eye-catching things about her. Ask questions. Let her talk. Listen. Really listen. Ask follow up questions that naturally follows from listening. You’ll find that most people love talking about themselves and will feel connected to you if you simply let them talk.

The point here is that it is not about you, but the joy you bring to others by truly hearing them and truly seeing them. You bring joy to others by keeping your focus on them, by hearing them, by seeing them. Mr. Ted, for example, has this amazing ability to focus on the person with whom he speaks and drawing complete strangers into his orbit. It is a skill worth emulating.

Joy is contagious. It will return to you manifold.

What I like about the dealing with mean people article above is that Dr. Carter said when you are hurt, focus on attending to your pain first. Feel it. Embrace it. Then, when you are ready, focus on the other person.

This is where she and I part company: I’m more concerned about understanding what animated the other person to act cruelly than I am about sending that person love. I may or may not send love depending on the challenges faced by the other person. If he’s feeling particularly mean and hurtful because his dog died hours earlier, then, yes, I will be more kind and loving in my response. However, if he is just a cruel creature who gets off and hurting others, there are too many better things I could do with my time than sending love, ending the person’s suffering, and helping make the mean person happier.

Do what works for you. But the point here is to stop and act mindfully. Don’t just react. Pay attention to yourself and your immediate needs, then pay attention to the other.

In dealing with mean people a well as everyone else, keep your focus on them. You will be more connected and better prepared for whatever arises. Good things may come and you may be rewarded handsomely for your efforts.

Conversely, if you are self-absorbed and think only of yourself, you are doomed to fail time and again in your interactions with others.

We see this more and more these days as society becomes more fractured and more people fall for the empty cries and calories of the “Me First!” movement. They are condemning themselves to a lifetime of loneliness and misery, of serial relationships and disappointments. Yet they won’t lift their gaze and make the hard choices necessary to be better.

Be better. Be happier. Live a more fulfilling life.

Stay safe. Stay happy. Find joy in all you do.

All my love, always and forever,

Dad

P.S., I leave you with a few parting thoughts.

8 years, 8 months, and 19 days. Don’t dabble. As you experiment and learn, have the courtesy and self-awareness to recognize your limitations vis-à-vis the subject matter experts.

My most precious and dearest Shosh and Jaialai:

I must humbly disagree with Helvetius, but I must concur wholeheartedly with Ben Franklin. In my opinion, all men are born fools, unable to discern danger from safety in their tender years. Brain research tells us, for example, that children’s brains are not fully developed even during their teenage years, causing many to take unwise risks with sometimes deadly consequences. Fortunately, most men endeavor to leave that state and arm themselves with knowledge about the world and their surroundings. Sadly, that is not true of all men. Some conscientiously embrace their state of ignorance and work hard to remain ignorant for the remainder of their lives. Be not like them.

Learn and grow as befitting of your age. Read widely and voraciously. Meet new people and try new things. Expand your horizons and extend yourselves.

This is nothing new. We’ve covered this before.

Here, I wish to focus on a particular harm endemic to this Age of the Internet: the false “expertise” by fools who dabble in matters of which they know little, yet who do not have the horse sense to know the limitations of their scant exposure and modest understanding.

As previously stated, the world is awash with information — most of which is uncensored garbage which escapes from the fingers of those who post or publish without regards to veracity or consequences. These include conspiracy theorists and ignorant ophthalmologists or economists who opine to have greater expertise than experienced virologists and epidemiologists as well as high school drop outs who can barely make their way through a Hemingway texts much less Kant’s and who couldn’t describe the differences between the benefits and disadvantages of acetaminophen versus ibuprofen, aspirin or naproxen sodium much less the benefits and disadvantages of the latest COVID-19 vaccines.

As mentioned previously, as an expert in particular areas of law, I have had to deal with this nonsense often. I’ve heard more than once that since the law is written in English and they can read English, therefore, they can read the law. While technically true — they can read what the words say — they would be challenged to understand the deeper ramifications of legal terms of art which have developed through years of legal opinions and legislative definitions. A limited number of states still permit a lay person to read the law; however, they must do so under the strict guidance of an experience lawyer. It is rare that one can simply pick up one or two law books and gain expertise equal to those who had spent years procuring a legal education and gaining experience under the watchful eyes of seasoned attorneys. (They must think us fools for spending all that money on a “useless” legal education when we could have simply purchase a book or two.)

During my years of practice, more often than I care to admit, I’ve seen those with neither legal training nor subject matter expertise give advice regarding matters over which they have only cursory knowledge — sometimes even charging great fees for their disservice. At a dinner party once, I had to suffer through hours of my tablemates spouting ideas about how best to draft homegrown contracts despite their lack of legal training and expertise in drafting legal documents. The funniest part is that they know I am a lawyer. FYI, anyone can draft whatever he/she wishes; however, the efficacy of those contract terms won’t be known until they have been tested in court. Thus, when you hire a competent attorney, your fees compensate him/her for the hours it took to research relevant laws and draft specific provisions which would withstand legal scrutiny.

Not all advisors, lawyers, and race horses are created equal. Thus, caveat emptor (“let the buyer beware”). Choose wisely.

Arm yourselves with knowledge so you can discern truth from lies, and substance from puffery. Be neither like those offering bad advice nor those fooled into accepting such advice. BE DISCERNING!!!

Don’t dabble. Experiment, as you must, to learn of yourselves, the limits of your talents, your likes and dislikes, etc. But when you do experiment, have the courtesy and self-awareness to know the limits of your knowledge. Don’t insult those who have invested significant time and energy to gain subject matter expertise.

Shosh, when you were a toddler, you once shouted, “I know French! “French fries!” As a toddler, it was supremely cute and intelligent of you. However, if you were to make such utterances today, at your age, as a college student, the reception would be wholly different.

FYI, I forever cherish the wisdom that escaped your lips during those early years, Shosh. You once exclaimed, after pretending to nibble on a seaweed during one of our trips to the beaches of Southern California, “It tastes like beans!” The funny thing is I’m not even sure if we’ve fed you beans at that point since it is neither a normal part of our diet nor repertoire. Needless to say, you were so imaginative! Jaialai, you were no less imaginative or wise. For example, as a toddler, you once exclaimed, “We’re all from Africa!” Yes, many a scientist would concur. Of course, one of my favorites remain your response that time I pointed to an aardvark in your baby dictionary and asked what it was. “It’s not a fish!” you said. Correct! Brilliant!

Anyway, to bring this discussion to a close, the danger of false expertise is very very real. I once was approached by someone who wanted to recruit me to join his team of financial advisors. I demurred since, aside from a few college and graduate school courses in accounting and economics, I have limited knowledge in that field. When asked about his expertise in finance, it turned out he had even less. I don’t even think he finished college before joining the military and setting up shop as a financial advisor after getting out. It is within his right to offer such services, but it is scary that there are those who would pay for such services without questioning his training or subject matter expertise.

Today, we see that ad nauseam with respect to arm chair quarterbacks who spout advice on-line about public health protocols during a pandemic which has killed nearly 700,000 Americans and presently claim the lives of more Americans every two day than all those who died on 9/11(!!!), public policies regarding which they have had limited exposure, biochemical processes regarding which they have had no education nor expertise, etc.

The world is awash in blind men attempting to describe an animal of which they are unfamiliar and to which they have had extremely limited exposure. Be not like them. Be better.

Stay safe. Stay healthy. Learn and grow. Find joy each day.

All my love, always and forever,

Dad