Day 1209. State of Numbness

“The closest analogy I can give to what a great leader is — it’s like being a parent,” [Simon] Sinek said on the TED2014 stage. “If you think about what being a great parent is, what do you want? We want to give our child opportunities, education, discipline them when necessary, all so that they can grow up and achieve more than we could for ourselves.”

My dearest Shosh and Jaialai:

I live in a state of numbness. That’s the only way I can make it through the day. It’s been more than 3 years since I last saw you, hugged you, spoke with you, etc.

You see, life without you is as if I am buried deep in the ocean, where it is cold and dark, and the overwhelming weight of the emptiness of life without you presses down on me every moment of every day. It is a struggle just to catch a breath, and to not just lay down and give in to the eternal darkness.

Joy, curiosity, a sense of adventure — everything that made life fulfilling and worth living while I was with you — is now fleeting or non-existent. (It was a couple years before I could even look at your pictures, listen to music, etc., for the memories triggered were too painful to bear.) This is not life. It is not living. This is a near death experience.

Thus, in order to get through the moment, to remember to breathe in and out, to swallow food, etc., I numb myself to life and steel myself to everything but the activity at that moment to clear my name and return to you, and to survive until our reunion. I live in a state of numbness.

All my love, always,